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| I did so well for a month. So well. I could chase any thoughts of you away. I either chose to resent you or rationalize to myself that it would never work. But I don't know what happened. Something triggered it. And all I could think about...all I can think about...is you, and how happy I was with you in the first two months that I knew you. You felt like an angel and I could see my whole life with you. I wanted to grow old with you. I didn't want anyone else. And although I have such an amazing boy right now...I don't feel complete. I don't think I ever will...because apart of me still wants you to be my future. Will I ever get past this thought? ... It's been three months since we "officially" ended, and a month since I found out about what you've been doing behind my back. I thought I'd be done and over it. But last night, I felt completely incapacitated. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I miss holding you hand. I miss sneaking in a kiss. I miss your embrace. I miss our jokes and giggles. I miss us. But I let you go and tried to forget for good...because I wanted you to be happy. You had something working out for you and I wanted you to be able to straighten out your life. But with the rumor that you've been fired...well...I worry now. And it makes me want you back even more...so that I can hold you, comfort you, and promise you that I'll never leave. Why can't I get you out of my head? Is it because I still love you? Will I ever cease to love you?
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| Ending that terrible relationship is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. No more feeling like I'm not good enough. No more wondering if he's lying. No more questioning why I'm still there. I'm free of that anxiety! And he asked for me back, but I said no! Ha! I recognized that it would be a huge disappointment because nothing about him has changed and things for us would still be shit. Yet...why is it that I keep wondering if it was the right choice? Well no, I know it's the right choice. But...I still want to be with him. I guess that's a normal feeling. I mean, when you love someone as much that...it's normal to feel like there are still strings attached.
Anyways. I've moved onto a fantastic boy. My senior prom date. :) He's been there for me since high school. Everyone approves of him, even my family. He's a great guy in so many ways. I love him. And as Keith once said, I'm "heading in the right direction."
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| It hasn't been long since we decided to "take a break". I was afraid things would change significantly. And yet...I wanted for things to change significantly. But in reality, nothing has changed. You still joke with me. You still call me late at night when you're alone at work. You still tell me you love me (I still love you too). You still kiss me. The only difference is that I don't expect for you to call me or come out to see me on your days off. Thus, I don't bother you about not contacting me. We fight less. Actually, we don't fight at all. But I had a dream about you last night. You were on the phone with her, laughing and joking. And I came in and I asked who it was. You said it was her, and I started to scream at you. You made up an excuse that you guys got something new so you guys were excited, but I didn't believe you. And I was crying. Things won't ever change for us if she's still there. This break is really just so that there is no commitment left. We do what we want. I still love you. But I'm not holding you to high expectations.
Meanwhile, I have gone astray. I tried to look for you in all the wrong places. I was with this guy that's a complete waste of air. And I've made another guy fall so hard for me...that it scares me. I guess I wasn't really looking for you...I was just looking for someone to replace you. I wanted to be able to feel how I felt when I was with you, even if it was just temporary. But I found out that...I never feel the way that I felt when I was with you. I may have a general interest in the guy, but my heart doesn't flutter with them. It's really hurts to know that I've hit this low and I can't pick myself up because I'm still waiting for you. I still want you...but I can't have you yet. And I won't know if I can have you for a couple more months. But this other guy. He loves me so much. He treats me so well. He's always there for me. And all I can do for him is hurt him. And it sucks that that's all I can give right now. I want him to be happy, but he can't be happy with me...not yet at least.
So the bottom line is...that after our break up these two other guys...I've realized that I just want to be alone right now. I need to stop trying to replace you. I need to stop letting guys into my life.
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| Summing up 2008 [good grammar and spelling]
Basics
Name:: Carolyn
Age:: 19
Gender:: Vagina
Hair color:: Brown with purple
Eye color:: Brown
Height:: 5'6.5"
Marital Status:: In a fucked up relationship
2008 Have You's
Have you had a boyfriend/girlfriend:: Multiple
Got married:: No
Got engaged:: No
Got drunk:: No
Done drugs:: No
Smoked:: No
Gone skinny dipping:: No
[Boys only] Worn makeup:: N/A
[Boys only] Worn a skirt:: N/A
Had sex:: Yes
Got divorced:: No
Broken the law:: I went over the speed limit :O
Kissed someone of the same gender:: No
Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend:: Yes
Fallen in love:: Yes
Fallen out of love:: Yes
Defied your parents:: Yes
Got into a fist fight:: No
Been in prison:: No
Got detention:: College doesn't have detention
Learnt to drive:: Already knew how to
Had your heart broken:: Yes
Kissed someone and regretted it:: Yes
Kissed someone and not meant it:: Yes
Kissed a friend:: Yes
Had surgery:: No
Broken a bone:: No
Gone on vacation:: No
Been beaten up:: No
Beat someone up:: No
Got fired/expelled:: No
Been to the beach:: No
Lied to your parents:: Yes
Lied to the cops:: No
Stolen money:: Yes
Mugged someone:: No
Told someone you liked them:: Yes
Asked someone out:: Yes
Been asked out:: Yes
Wanted someone you couldn't have:: Yes
Performed a public display of affection:: Yes
Been to second base:: Yes
Been to third base:: Yes
Bought a pet:: No
Lost a relative:: Not that I recall or attended the funeral for.
Been on stage:: Yes
Cried during a movie:: Yes
Stalked someone:: Yes
Been stalked:: Yes
Lost friends:: Probably
Protested:: No
Been cautioned by the police:: No
Been cheated on:: Technically no
Cheated on a test:: No
Passed an exam:: Yes
Failed a class:: No
Become vegetarian:: No
Eaten something you shouldn't have:: Please clarify
Been paid to date someone:: No
Thrown your shoe at someone:: Maybe
Sang in the shower:: Yes
Had cyber sex:: No
Had a long-distance relationship:: Technically no, but it feels like it.
Been cheated with:: Yes
Pulled an all nighter:: No
Been grounded:: No
Taken a topless picture:: Yes
Tanned topless:: No
Used a tanning bed:: No
Kissed in the rain:: Yes
Spent the night at the opposite sex's house:: No
Learnt a script:: No
Been in a play:: No
Acted like a slut/man whore:: Yes
Bribed someone:: No
Dated someone for a dare:: No
Kissed a dog:: I kiss my dogs all the time
Played 7 minutes in heaven:: Who plays that anymore?
Kissed 2 people in the same night:: Yes
Moved house:: No
Been abroad:: No
Kissed a picture:: No
Skipped a class:: Yes. It's college.
Liked someone else whilst dating someone:: Yes
Broken an engagement:: No
Dated your best friend's crush:: No
Dated a friend's ex:: Technically no
Stayed friends with an ex:: Define "friends".
Felt lonely:: Yes
Purposely hurt yourself:: Define "hurt".
Taken too many pictures:: Yes
Laughed until it made you cry:: Yes
Changed the way you look:: Yes
Been hit by a car:: No
Been in a major accident:: No
Had a near death experience:: No
Forgotten someone's name:: Yes
Cried yourself to sleep:: Yes
Cried for over an hour:: Yes
Hit a teacher:: No
Hit a boyfriend/girlfriend:: Yes
Written a song:: Yes
Written a poem about someone:: Yes
Been rejected:: Yes
Changed religion:: No
Flirted with someone who was taken:: Yes
Random Questions
Are you looking forward to 2009?: Yes
Any regrets for 2008?: Of course
New years resolution?: Only stay with a man who is ready for me. He has until April.
What are you doing for new years eve?: Wanted to spend it with my boyfriend. Probably won't happen. Probably will end up spending it with Alex.
Are you going to kiss someone at midnight?: I wanted to, but he'll probably be unavailable.
Are you looking for love in the new year?: I already found love.
Are you looking for a new job?: I'm always looking for better opportunities that fit into my schedule.
What are you looking forward to most?: (Hopefully) Nursing school
Are you getting married in 2009?: Hell to the no.
Have you already made plans for 2009?: Define "plans"
Do you think 2009 will be better than 2008?: We'll see.
Are you going to get drunk on New Years Eve?: I hope not.
2008 Reflections
Drinking buddy of the year:: I don't drink.
Song of the year:: I don't know.
Longest friend award:: Cat Holland and my sister
Closest friend award:: Grace Kim and Alex Blavat
Highest point of the year:: Whatever compliments I got from professors, TAs, and bosses
Lowest point of the year:: Fucked up relationships, Dr. Chiang's passing
Coolest new friend award:: Terri Le
Best holiday:: New Years, probably. Every other major holiday sucked major ass.
Best film:: Dark Knight
Best relationship:: They all sucked. The best of them wasn't even technically a relationship.
Halloween costume 2008:: None
Biggest loser of 2008 award:: Me
TV Show of the year:: Paranormal State and The Cleaner
Friend of the year:: Alex Blavat, Grace Kim, and my sister
Valentine 2008:: None
How old did you turn in 2008:: 19
How was your birthday in 2008:: Forgotten
Overall was 2008 good:: Not especially, no.
Looking forward to 2009
Is it going to be a good year for you:: Oh Lord, I hope so.
How old will you be on your birthday:: 20
Do you want something different from 2009:: A successful relationship
Are you hoping to change:: Some parts of me, sure.
Do you want to be a better person:: I always want to be a better person.
Do you think 2009 will be good:: Oh Lord, I hope so.
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| In twenty minutes, it will be our four month anniversary. I am so in love with you, and all I want is just for us to be able to be together and to be happy. It's hard to know that you're unavailable in so many ways. I try and try, and I know you appreciate it and you would do the same if you could, but it doesn't change the fact that we're stuck in the same place we've been for the past four months. I miss you every day. I know you miss me too.
And even though you won't admit it, I know what I do hurts you. You don't blame me though. You understand, and are somewhat supportive because you know you can't provide me with everything I need. It used to kill me inside, and I'd be upset for a long time. But I found with time that things get easier. It's not a good thing. I just wish you could come back into my life. Hopefully, winter break is the cure to this growing distance between us.
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